10 Aug We Are All Victims of Victims: Why Loving Someone Deeply Wounded Can Hurt So Much

“We are all victims of victims.” – Louise Hay

It’s a truth that can soften judgment. Most of us learned love from people who were themselves hurt, neglected, or abandoned. They could only teach what they had been taught. That is how many became the victims of victims.

When you love someone with deep, unhealed wounds – especially trauma as enduring and complex as CPTSD – you’re not just loving the person in front of you. You’re also meeting the echoes of every moment they were hurt.

And sometimes, those echoes hit you. Hard.

You’re Not Imagining It – You Are Being Wounded

If you’ve been feeling drained, on edge, guilty for even having needs, or like you’re slowly disappearing inside the relationship, that’s not “being dramatic.” That’s what happens when love becomes tangled with someone else’s survival patterns.

They may not intend to harm you. In fact, they might love you deeply. But love alone doesn’t stop wounding when the wounds are still running the show.

This is the part empaths struggle with most: “They’re in pain – I can’t leave them.”

But here’s the truth: Understanding where their pain comes from doesn’t mean you have to stand in the path of it.

Why It Hurts So Much to Stay

When you’re deeply attuned to others, you absorb their moods, their silences, and their storms. You see the frightened child inside them. You know they didn’t choose their trauma.

That insight can keep you tethered far longer than is safe for you.

• You excuse the outburst because “they were triggered.”

• You swallow your hurt because “they’ve been through worse.”

• You rewrite the story so you’re the one at fault – because that keeps the peace.

Little by little, your own needs fade into the background. You stop recognising yourself.

If you’d like to understand how early experiences shape these patterns, you might want to read my posts on attachment styles and how they play out in adult relationships.

Being a “Victim of a Victim” Doesn’t Mean Staying One

Louise Hay’s words – “we are all victims of victims” – remind us that most harm is passed down, not born out of malice. It can help you hold compassion without collapsing into self-sacrifice.

You can acknowledge their suffering and still name:

• “I am being hurt.”

• “This is not okay.”

• “I deserve safety.”

Compassion is not the same as consent to keep being wounded.

For more on this, you might find my piece on secure boundaries in relationships helpful.

When the Most Loving Thing You Can Do Is Step Away

Stepping away doesn’t make you cold, uncaring, or disloyal. Sometimes, the only way to stop the chain of harm is to remove yourself from it.

Leaving can be a way of saying:

• “I see your pain, and I will not add to it — but I also won’t allow it to destroy me.”

• “I wish for your healing, and I’m choosing my own.”

If You’re Wondering, “But I’m Not the One Who Needs Help…”

That voice is trying to protect you from shame. But therapy, support groups, or even one trusted friend to talk to isn’t about blame.

It’s about reclaiming your voice in a space where you won’t be talked over, minimised, or gaslit. It’s about remembering who you were before you were always bracing for impact.

You may also want to explore my article on how therapy can help even if you think “I’m fine”.

Reflection Point

If compassion for them has been costing compassion for yourself, what would change if you gave yourself equal care?

If you recognise yourself in this, you don’t have to untangle it alone.
I offer one-to-one sessions – online or in person – where we can look at your patterns, your needs, and your options. Whether you want to try to repair the relationship or you’re considering leaving, I’ll help you map a path that protects your well-being.

Click here to book a free 15-minute clarity call and take the first step toward feeling steady, safe, and more like yourself again.