PART 2: Anxious Attachment Style: What It Is and How to Heal

15 May PART 2: Anxious Attachment Style: What It Is and How to Heal

Do you often feel anxious in relationships? Maybe you worry your partner will leave you. Or you feel uneasy if they don’t reply right away. You might find yourself needing constant reassurance.

If this sounds familiar, you may have an anxious attachment style.

In this second post of our 4-part series, we’re diving into what anxious attachment really means. You’ll learn how it forms, how it shows up in adult relationships, and what steps you can take to move toward secure attachment.

What Is Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment is a type of insecure attachment. It usually forms in childhood when caregivers are loving one moment and unavailable the next.

This inconsistency teaches the child that love is unpredictable. The child begins to think,

“I have to work hard to be loved.”
“If I’m not perfect or pleasing, I might be left.”

As adults, these early messages show up as fear of abandonment and emotional over-dependence in relationships.

Signs of Anxious Attachment in Adults

Anxious attachment can affect how you think, feel, and behave in close relationships. Common signs include:

• A constant need for reassurance

• Fear of being left or forgotten

• Worry when someone pulls away or seems distant

• Overthinking texts, tone, or time between replies

• Struggling to be alone or enjoy time apart

• Feeling “too much” or “not enough”

• Avoiding conflict to keep others close

• Reaching out again and again, even when you feel hurt

You might say or think things like:

“They’re pulling away – did I do something wrong?”
“I know I’m being needy, but I can’t stop.”
“I need to talk to them now, or I’ll panic.”

Why Does Anxious Attachment Happen?

Anxious attachment usually develops when caregivers are:

• Sometimes responsive and warm

• Other times distracted, stressed, or emotionally unavailable

This makes emotional safety feel uncertain.

Over time, the child becomes very focused on others. They learn to scan for signs of rejection or withdrawal. The nervous system stays on high alert, waiting for the next moment of closeness – or disconnection.

How Anxious Attachment Feels

Living with anxious attachment can feel exhausting. You may feel like your emotions are “too much.” Or that you’re always chasing closeness but never quite feel safe.

This happens because the nervous system is stuck in a fight-or-flight pattern. Even a small delay in communication can feel like a threat to connection.

It’s not just in your head. It’s in your body.

The Anxious-Avoidant Cycle

People with anxious attachment are often drawn to partners who have avoidant attachment. This creates a painful cycle:

1. The anxious partner seeks closeness

2. The avoidant partner pulls away to create space

3. The anxious partner panics and reaches out more

4. The avoidant partner feels overwhelmed and withdraws

This cycle leads to emotional burnout, miscommunication, and deep frustration on both sides.

Can Anxious Attachment Be Healed?

Yes – healing is absolutely possible. Anxious attachment is a learned survival strategy, not a permanent personality trait. With support, you can begin to feel more secure in yourself and your relationships.

Here’s how to start:

1. Notice Your Patterns

Pay attention to when you feel triggered. Ask yourself:

“What just happened?”
“What am I really afraid of?”

2. Soothe Your Nervous System

Try calming tools like:

• Deep, slow breathing

• Gentle stretching or walking

• Holding a warm drink

• Saying: “I’m safe right now. I can pause.”

3. Practice Clear Communication

Say what you need, calmly and directly. For example:

“I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you. Could we agree to check in once a day?”

4. Challenge Your Inner Beliefs

Instead of:

“They’re going to leave me,”
Try:
“This fear is old. It doesn’t mean it’s true.”

5. Build Secure Relationships

Surround yourself with people who are consistent, kind, and emotionally present. This includes friends, partners, and professionals.

Healing happens in safe relationships. Over time, you learn that you don’t need to chase connection. You can trust it will be there.

Moving Toward Secure Attachment

Even if you grew up with anxious attachment, you can develop what’s called earned secure attachment.

This means:

• You trust yourself and others

• You can enjoy closeness without losing yourself

• You can be alone without panic

• You can handle conflict without fearing rejection

You don’t need to stop being sensitive or caring. Instead, you’re learning how to be connected and grounded at the same time.

Final Thoughts

If you live with anxious attachment, know this: you are not needy or broken. You are a human being who learned to survive in an unpredictable environment.

Now, you have the power to create something different.

By noticing your patterns, regulating your nervous system, and building safe connections, you can begin to feel more secure – within yourself and with others.

In the next part of this series, we’ll explore Avoidant Attachment – what happens when closeness feels unsafe and emotional distance becomes a way to cope.

Next: Part 3 – Avoidant Attachment: When Closeness Feels Unsafe