PART 4: Disorganised Attachment – When Love Feels Unsafe and Unpredictable

15 May PART 4: Disorganised Attachment – When Love Feels Unsafe and Unpredictable

Disorganised Attachment: Understanding the Push-Pull of Fear and Longing

Do you crave connection, but fear it at the same time? Do you push people away, then feel abandoned when they leave? If so, you may have a disorganised attachment style.

This is the fourth and final post in our series on attachment styles. Here, we’ll explore how disorganised attachment develops, how it impacts relationships, and how healing is possible—even when love feels unsafe.

What Is Disorganised Attachment?

Disorganised attachment combines traits of both anxious and avoidant styles. It often forms when a child’s caregivers are a source of both comfort and fear. This creates confusion and emotional chaos.

The child doesn’t know:

“Do I move toward you for safety?”
“Or do I protect myself from you?”

As adults, this shows up as a deep fear of abandonment and intimacy—at the same time.

Signs of Disorganised Attachment in Adults

You may:

• Crave closeness but fear being hurt

• Swing between clinginess and withdrawal

• React strongly to rejection or emotional tension

• Struggle with identity, boundaries, or trust

• Feel unsafe even in loving relationships

• Get overwhelmed by strong emotions

• Feel like your reactions don’t “make sense”

You might think:

“I want love, but it terrifies me.”
“Why do I sabotage my relationships?”
“I can’t trust anyone—not even myself.”

How Disorganised Attachment Develops

This attachment style often results from:

• Childhood trauma

• Loss of a caregiver

• Emotional abuse or neglect

• Growing up in chaotic or unpredictable environments

• Being punished for showing vulnerability

The caregiver may have been loving at times—but also frightening, inconsistent, or emotionally unavailable. This teaches the child that love and danger go hand-in-hand.

The Nervous System and Disorganised Attachment

When you have disorganised attachment, your nervous system may stay in a state of confusion. One moment, you reach for connection. The next, you panic and shut down.

It’s like driving with the gas and brake pressed at the same time.

This is exhausting—and deeply painful. But it’s not your fault.

Healing Disorganised Attachment

Healing begins with understanding that your responses made sense. You adapted to survive. Now, you can learn new ways to relate.

1. Focus on Safety First

Ask yourself often:

“What helps me feel safe right now?”
Start small—safe places, safe people, and calming routines.

2. Practice Self-Compassion

Say to yourself:

“It makes sense I feel this way.”
“I’m doing the best I can.”

3. Build Somatic Awareness

Work with your body, not just your thoughts. Notice how fear or shame feels in your chest, shoulders, or stomach. Breathe into those spaces.

4. Work with a Trauma-Informed Therapist

Disorganised attachment is often rooted in trauma. A therapist trained in somatic, attachment-based, or EMDR approaches can offer steady support.

5. Create Predictability and Repair

In relationships, be honest about your needs and patterns. Learn to repair after conflict. Say:

“I shut down earlier. I want to come back and try again.”

You Can Learn to Feel Safe in Love

If you have disorganised attachment, know this: you are not too much. You are not broken. You simply didn’t get the safety you needed.

But you can learn to trust again—first in yourself, and then in others.

Healing disorganised attachment takes time, compassion, and support. But slowly, love can feel less like chaos—and more like peace.

Final Thoughts: Wherever You’re Starting, You’re Not Alone

Over the course of this series, we’ve explored the four main attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised. Each one is a reflection of how we learned to stay connected, stay safe, or survive in our earliest relationships.

Maybe you recognised yourself clearly in one style. Or perhaps you saw parts of yourself in several. That’s completely normal. Attachment patterns aren’t fixed labels—they’re flexible, evolving, and shaped by experience. And most importantly, they can be healed.

Whether you find relationships overwhelming, feel like you’re always chasing closeness, or struggle to trust anyone fully, you are not alone. These are common human experiences rooted in deep emotional history. And with the right support, change is possible.

You don’t need to “fix” yourself. You simply need a space where your story can be heard, your patterns understood, and your nervous system gently supported into safety.

Ready to Begin Your Healing Journey?

If this series resonated with you, and you’re curious about how attachment-based therapy can help, I’d love to hear from you.

I work with adults who want to understand their emotional patterns, build healthier relationships, and finally feel secure—both with others and within themselves.

You can reach out here to book a consultation or ask a question.

Healing begins with one small, honest step. And wherever you’re starting from, it’s a step you’re allowed to take.